I remember the time I was driving along
on the Liverpool highway singing a song
and the day was as good as the road it was long
I was on my way
then up ahead a black speck appeared
and as I drew near it was just what I feared
doing twenty-five miles an hour in top gear
in the outside lane
oh dear me glory be
one of them
I could see
it was a red velvet steering wheel cover driver.

He and his wife they sat side by side
in their safety belts they were safely tied
and together they drove through the green countryside
which they did not see
they had two dingle-dangles which hung by a string
from the mirror, and on the back seat was a thing
which wobbled its head up and down with a singular
stare at me
up and down
side to side
keep your eyes open wide
for the red velvet steering wheel cover driver.

He's got three china ducks on his sitting room wall
and a bowl of pink plastic flowers in the hall
and a souvenir ashtray he bought in Porthcawl
on his holiday
and when he gets home he'll go straight to his chair
switch on the telly and all night he'll stare
at the girls and the gunfights and wish he was there
but he's here to stay
when he regrets
what he didn't see
then he'll switch to ITV
'cos he's a red velvet steering wheel cover driver.

Each Monday morning he takes his basket to town,
he goes to the supermarket he walks up and down
and thinks oh what a task
it's so hard to choose
'cos there's apple-sponge pudding all topped with taysteefreez
ready-cut loaves, instant cake-mix and frozen peas
all of those fifty seven varieties fresh today
hermetically sealed, untouched by
human hand, so easy just heat the
tin, think of those gifts
you might Win
if you're a red velvet steering wheel cover driver.

Well it's Saturday night it's the night for a fling so
let's on with our glad rags and ring-a-ding-dingo
we'll down to the Hall for a good game of Bingo
and cups of tea
then it's back home to bed, switch out the light
hug a hot water bottle, sweet dreams and sleep tight
and God keep us from things that go bump in the night
and especially
all those dreams
of the day
when our own children will say
"My dad's a red velvet steering wheel cover driver."

Words & Music Jeremy Taylor © 1968 Edwin Morris

3rd Ear Music Company est. 1969 (Pty)Ltd.

P.O.Box 50633
Musgrave 4062
Durban
KwaZulu-Natal
South Africa
email: [email protected]